It’s absolutely infuriating when you know you’re being drawn to someone who is bad for you. You know on some level that this person is going to trigger all of your insecurities and make you feel terrible, but you can’t seem to help yourself. Why does this keep happening? What is it about these toxic partners that makes them so irresistible?
Table of contents
The appeal of the “bad boy” or “bad girl”
The appeal of the “bad boy” or “bad girl”
is undeniable. They are mysterious, exciting, and often quite attractive. Unfortunately, they are also usually trouble. A bad boy (or girl) is someone who is rebellious, disorderly, disruptive, and generally disobedient. He or she is likely to be involved in risky behaviors and may have a criminal record.
Many people are attracted to bad boys and girls because they are exciting and dangerous. They are often seen as being more “real” than other people. They are not afraid to break the rules or to stand up for themselves. This can be very appealing to someone who feels like they are stuck in a rut.
The allure of the unattainable
The allure of the unattainable is a common theme throughout history. Whether it’s the Holy Grail, the Fountain of Youth, or the Lost City of Atlantis, the idea of something just out of reach has a certain appeal.
The same can be said for love. We often find ourselves attracted to people who we know are unattainable. They may be out of our league, already taken, or just not interested in us. And yet, we can’t help but chase after them.
Why do we do this?
There are a few possible explanations. First, the challenge of winning over someone who seems impossible to impress can be exhilarating. It’s a rush to finally capture their attention and prove our doubters wrong.
Second, we may believe that if we can just get this one person to love us, it will validate our worth. If someone who is so desirable chooses us, it must mean we are special.
Finally, the unattainable often symbolizes something we deeply desire but feel is out of reach. By pursuing them, we hope to achieve that which seems just beyond our grasp.
The desire to be desired
The desire to be desired by someone who we believe is toxic for us can be a powerful, intoxicating feeling. It’s the stuff of love songs and Hollywood movies. But when you’re in a toxic relationship with a partner who is emotionally abusive, it can be anything but romantic.
Toxic partners are often controlling and manipulative, making their partners feel like they are not good enough, or that they are responsible for all of the problems in the relationship. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s important to understand the signs and get out before it’s too late.
1. They’re always right.
Toxic partners tend to be very opinionated and have little tolerance for anyone who disagrees with them. They may belittle and invalidate your opinions, and make you feel like you’re not good enough.
2. They’re never wrong.
Toxic partners also have a tendency to be overly defensive and deny any responsibility for the problems in the relationship. If you try to confront them about their toxic behavior, they will gaslight you and make you feel like you’re the one who’s crazy.
3. They’re always the victim.
Toxic partners often play the victim card, making you feel sorry for them and taking all of the blame for the problems in the relationship. They may even manipulate you into thinking that you’re the abuser, and that they are the ones who are being mistreated.
4. They’re always in control.
Toxic partners like to be in control of everything, and they may try to manipulate and micromanage you. They may also use money as a way to control you, or make you feel like you’re indebted to them.
5. They’re always negative.
Toxic partners tend to be negative and pessimistic, and they may try to bring you down with them. They may also be critical and judgmental, and make you feel like you’re not good enough.
The need for validation
It’s no secret that we all want to be desired. We want to feel wanted, needed, and loved. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, sometimes we can start to seek validation from the wrong sources.
One place we might seek validation is from an toxic partner. This is someone who is physically attractive, but who is not good for us in other ways. They might be emotionally unavailable, abusive, or just not a good fit for us.
Despite knowing that this person is not good for us, we still pursue them because we crave their validation. We want to feel wanted by them, even though it’s not healthy for us.
The fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonment from an attractive toxic partner is a self-sabotaging fear that arises from low self-esteem. This type of fear can cause individuals to stay in unhealthy and unhappy relationships because they are afraid of being alone. Individuals who suffer from the fear of abandonment often have a history of being abandoned, either physically or emotionally. This fear can be paralyzing and prevent individuals from leaving toxic relationships. If you suffer from the fear of abandonment, it is important to work on building your self-esteem and learning to love yourself. Only then will you be able to find a healthy and happy relationship.
The familiarity of dysfunction
The familiarity of dysfunction in a relationship with an attractive toxic partner can be seductive; we know what we are getting into and can rationalize it. There is a strange comfort in the pain of being with someone who is wrong for us. We know the drill, the ups and downs, the hot and cold. It feels safer than venturing out into the unknown, where we might actually have to be emotionally vulnerable and open ourselves up to real intimacy. It can be easier to stay in a bad relationship than it is to let go and start fresh.
The hope for change
The hope for change for an attractive toxic partner
is real, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. If you want to change your toxic partner for the better, you have to put in the work. It takes time, patience, and a lot of effort, but it is possible to improve your relationship with a toxic partner.
If you’re hoping to change your toxic partner, here are a few things you can do:
1. Communicate your expectations and boundaries.
If you want your partner to change, you need to be clear about what you expect from them. Tell them what behaviors are unacceptable and why. Set boundaries and stick to them. If your partner crosses a boundary, don’t hesitate to call them out on it.
2. Encourage positive behavior.
When your partner does something you like, let them know. Compliment them, show your appreciation, and make an effort to reinforce positive behavior. The more they feel appreciated, the more likely they are to continue behaving in a way that pleases you.
3. Be patient.
Changing a toxic partner is not going to happen overnight. It will take time, and there will be setbacks along the way. Don’t get discouraged if your partner doesn’t change as quickly as you want them to. Just keep reminding yourself that change is possible and be patient.
4. Seek professional help.
If you’re struggling to change your partner on your own, seek professional help. A therapist can assist you in communicating with your partner and helping them to understand your perspective. If necessary, they can also provide individual counseling to help your partner address any underlying issues that may be contributing to their toxicity.
Changing a toxic partner is possible, but it takes time, effort, and patience. If you’re hoping to make a change in your relationship, start by communicating your expectations and boundaries. Encourage positive behavior, be patient, and seek professional help if necessary.
The craving for excitement
The craving for excitement with an attractive toxic relationship that pulls you in despite your best intentions is a symptom of your need for attention and validation.
We all have a need for attention and validation, but some of us become addicted to the high of getting it from someone who isn’t good for us. This kind of excitement feels like a drug, and we can’t help but chase it.
If you find yourself attracted to toxic relationships, it’s important to understand why. It could be that you’re insecure and crave the validation that comes from having someone interested in you. Or, it could be that you’re simply addicted to the high of being in a passionate, intense relationship.
The fear of being alone
The fear of being alone from an attractive toxic partner is real, and in some cases can be more dangerous than staying with an abusive partner. According to a recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, people who stay in unhappy relationships out of fear of being single are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems.
What’s more, this fear of being single can actually lead people to stay in abusive relationships. According to the study, people who reported being afraid of being single were also more likely to report staying in an abusive relationship out of fear of being alone.
“Our findings suggest that the fear of being single may have deleterious consequences for both mental and physical health,” the authors write.
The power of passion
The most obvious benefit of staying in a toxic relationship is the passion. This is the thing that keeps people coming back for more, even though they know it isn’t good for them. Passion can be a very intoxicating feeling, and it can be hard to let go of.
People might believe that the passionate highs are worth the painful lows. They tell themselves that they can handle the bad times as long as they have the good times to balance them out.
The intensity of the connection
The intensity of the connection with an attractive destructive partner feels like it can never be broken.
There is an all-consuming intensity to the relationship that can feel like it will never end. The constant ups and downs, the passionate fights and makeup sex, the rollercoaster of emotions – it can be addicting. But ultimately, these relationships are destructive and not sustainable in the long run.
The rollercoaster of emotions
The appealing rollercoaster of emotions in a toxic relationship can be intoxicating, addicting even. It’s the emotional equivalent of a drug, numbing the pain and emptiness of reality. It becomes an addiction, one that’s hard to break free from.
The appeal of a toxic relationship is the thrill of the unknown. Will they call? Text? Show up? There’s an unpredictability that can be intoxicating. It’s the emotional equivalent of a roller coaster: the ups and downs, the twists and turns. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.
A toxic relationship is often based on an imbalance of power. One person has all the control while the other feels helpless and alone. This can be appealing in a strange way, especially if you’ve never felt in control before. There’s a feeling of safety in being with someone who is in control, even if that control is unhealthy.
The addiction to the drama
The addiction to the drama in a toxic relationship with a toxic partner can be hard to break. It’s easy to get caught up in the vicious cycle of fighting and making up, only to repeat the cycle again and again. But if you’re ready to break free from the toxicity, there are steps you can take.
The masks we wear
The masks we wear in a toxic relationship with a toxic partner are the ones that protect us from their toxicity. They are the masks of denial, of self-blame, of victimhood. These masks allow us to survive in a relationship that is otherwise unbearable. But these masks also prevent us from seeing the truth about our situation, and they keep us trapped in a cycle of pain and suffering.
The truth about toxic love
We often hear the phrase “toxic love” thrown around, but what does it really mean? Is it simply a relationship that’s full of drama and conflict? Or is there more to it than that?
The truth is, toxic love is anything but love. It’s a destructive force that can ruin your life if you’re not careful. Here are some signs that you might be in a toxic relationship:
1. You’re always walking on eggshells.
Do you feel like you have to tip-toe around your partner all the time, for fear of setting them off? If you’re constantly worried about what might upset them or make them angry, that’s a huge red flag.
2. You’re not yourself around them.
Do you find yourself changing the way you act, dress, or speak to try and please your partner? If you’re not being true to yourself, it’s time to get out.
3. They’re always putting you down.
Does your partner make you feel like you’re never good enough? If they’re constantly critiquing you or making snide comments, that’s toxic behavior.
4. They’re excessively jealous.
A little jealousy is normal in any relationship, but if your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating or monitoring your every move, it’s gone too far.
5. They’re physically or verbally abusive.
This one is a no-brainer. If your partner ever lays a hand on you in anger or calls you names, get out of there immediately. No relationship is worth your safety.
Takeaway
The next time you find yourself drawn to someone who seems like bad news for you, ask yourself why. What is it about them that’s triggering your insecurities? Once you have an answer, work on addressing those issues head-on. You may not be able to change the fact that you’re attracted to toxic partners, but by becoming more secure in yourself, you can learn how to avoid getting sucked into their games.