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100+ Funny Things To Say (Dying Of Laughter Guaranteed)

If you’re looking for a good laugh, then you’ll want to check out this list of funny things to say. Guaranteed, you’ll be dying of laughter by the time you finish reading through them all! Whether you’re looking for a clever comeback or just something to make your friends laugh, these one-liners are sure to do the trick. So why not grab a pen and paper and get started? You may even want to share some of your favorites with us in the comments section below!

Table of contents

Ten funny things to say to your parents

1. I’m not doing laundry tonight- the universe needs my dirty socks to survive.

2. I’m not cleaning my room until global warming is solved.

3. I can’t go to bed yet, I haven’t Instagrammed my outfit for tomorrow.

4. I don’t have a curfew, I’m a millennial.

5. I’m not going to school today, I need to mental health day.

6. I’m not studying for that test, it’s unconstitutional.

7. Fine, I’ll do the dishes- but only because of the patriarchy.

8. No, I don’t want to go for a walk, I need my Netflix time.

9. I’m not eating that, it’s got too many calories.

10. I don’t care if I have to do chores- I’m not a slave.

Ten funny things to say at work

1. I’m not lazy, I’m on conservatory mode.

2. If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.

3. I can’t brain today, I have the dumb.

4. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

5. I’m not bad at math, I’m just very good at being lazy.

6. I’m not procrastinating, I’m just taking a strategic break.

7. I’m not forgetful, I’m just distracted by other things that are more important.

8. I’m not disorganized, I’m just creatively organized.

9. I’m not late, I’m just fashionably early.

10. I’m not lazy, I’m just very efficient at doing nothing.

Ten funny things to say at the gym

1. I’m sorry, did you just drop your phone? – as someone’s phone falls out of their pocket

2. Haha, yeah I love cardio too! – in response to someone saying they hate cardio

3. I’m trying a new workout routine today. – as you’re doing the same thing as yesterday

4. Wow, you’re really sweating! – to someone who is sweating a lot

5. I’m just here for the free food. – in response to someone asking why you’re at the gym

6. I’m so glad I came to the gym today! – after leaving the gym

7. I’m not really into fitness. – while working out

8. I’m just here for the selfies. – in response to someone taking a picture of themselves at the gym

9. I’m so sore from my workout yesterday! – as you’re walking into the gym

10. I love working out! – said no one ever

Ten funny things to say to your teacher

1. I’m sorry, I thought this was class, not a circus.

2. Is there a chance we can move this class outside? I feel like I’m trapped in a box.

3. Can you please just tell me what the homework is so I can get it over with?

4. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was a lecture. I thought it was a discussion.

5. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. What did you say your name was?

6. I’m sorry, I must have zoned out. What were you saying?

7. Can you please speak up? I can’t hear you over the sound of my own thoughts.

8. I’m sorry, but could you repeat that? I wasn’t really paying attention.

9. Sorry, I know this is important, but can we hurry it up? I have other things I need to do.

10. I’m sorry, but can we just skip to the part where we’re done?

Ten funny things to say at school

1. I’m not sleeping in class, I’m meditating.

2. This is the most interesting lecture I’ve ever slept through.

3. I would like to thank whoever put that Post-it note on my forehead.

4. If we could all just focus on me for a moment, that would be great.

5. I’m not being disruptive, I’m just expressing my creative side.

6. I’m not trying to be a smartass, I’m just trying to be smarter than you.

7. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just trying to forget your existence.

8. I find your lack of intelligence amusing.

9. I’m sorry, did you say something? I was too busy not listening to you.

10. Whatever it is that you’re trying to say, I’m sure it’s not as important as what I have to say. So please be quiet and listen to me.

Ten funny things to say to your kids

1. I’m not sure if you’re ready for this but here goes anyway – your bottom looks huge in those jeans!

2. You know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. So next time you’re feeling down, just remember these ten hilarious things to say to your kids and you’ll be sure to brighten up your day!

3. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am!

4. Sometimes I wonder if you’re even human or if you were just sent here to test my patience.

5. Are you sure you’re supposed to be a kid? Because you’re really not doing a very good job at it.

6. I love you no matter what, even when you’re being a total brat.

7. If I had a nickel for every time you asked me that, I’d be rich!

8. You’re so smart/cute/funny that it’s actually kind of scary.

9. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but it must be pretty interesting!

10. I hope you know that I’m always here for you, even when you’re driving me insane.

Ten funny things to say to you best friend

1. I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you were on fire and I had a bucket of water, I’d probably just drink the water.

2. You’re so smart, your brain must be getting lonely from all the time it spends by itself.

3. You’re so good at giving advice, you should write a self-help book called ‘How to Annoy People’.

4. You’re like a parking ticket…you’ve expired and you’re not going anywhere.

5. You’re not ugly, but you’ll never be mistaken for a supermodel either.

6. If I had a nickel for every time you said something stupid, I’d have…well, not very many nickels.

7. You’re so lazy, you probably couldn’t even walk to the fridge to get yourself a beer.

8. You’re like a broken pencil…pointless.

9. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

10. I’d tell you to go screw yourself, but that would be too much of a favor.

Ten funny things to say to a police officer

1. I’m not drinking and driving. I’m texting and flying.

2. I swear, officer, I wasn’t speeding. I was qualifying for the Indianapolis 500.

3. Sorry, officer, I didn’t see you there. I thought you were a speed bump.

4. I’m not sure why you pulled me over. I wasn’t the one swerving all over the road.

5. I know I was going a little bit fast, but I was trying to catch that speeding garbage truck.

6. Don’t worry, officer. I have a clean record. I’ve only been arrested twice… for jaywalking and littering.

7. I’m not drunk, officer. I’m just following the example set by our president.

8. Thank you for pulling me over, officer. I really needed a break from my math homework.

9. I know I was speeding, officer, but I needed to get to my job at the race track.

10. No, officer, I didn’t know that it was against the law to drive without a license. I thought that only applied to things like cars and boats.

Ten funny things to say to your mother in law

1. I’m sorry, I must have missed your name when you were introduced to me. What was it again?

2. You’re not old, you’re just experienced.

3. Don’t worry, I’m sure your grandchildren will turn out fine despite your parenting skills.

4. Thank you for your input. I’ll be sure to take it under advisement.

5. I’m sorry, I don’t speak passive aggressive.

6. You’re always welcome in my home, as long as you remember that it’s my house and my rules.

7. Of course I respect your opinion. I just don’t happen to share it.

8. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were an expert on the subject.

9. Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to take it under advisement.

10. I’m not saying that your cooking is bad, but it does have a distinct flavor.

Ten funny things to say at dinner

1. This food is so good, I may just die from eating it.

2. I’d give this meal a ten out of ten… if I was starving to death.

3. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t seem to get full from eating here.

4. I’m not really feeling the love from the kitchen.

5. I’m glad I don’t have to eat this every day.

6. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a sandwich or a work of art.

7. I’m pretty sure that the dog would like this more than I do.

8. Is there anything else you can tell me about this dish? I want to be sure I’m getting all the nutrients I need.

9. I’m not really that hungry, but I’ll try to clean my plate so as not to waste your hard work.

10. Thank you for making this wonderful meal! I’m sure it will give me indigestion for days to come.

Ten funny things to say during a business meeting

1. I’m sorry, did you want the floor?

2. If I don’t understand something, can you explain it to me like I’m a five-year-old?

3. If by ‘let’s brainstorm’ you mean let’s come up with ideas that I’ll eventually take all the credit for, then sure.

4. I’m sorry, what was that? I was too busy thinking about my next vacation.

5. If by ‘we’re all on the same page’ you mean I’m the only one who actually knows what’s going on, then sure.

6. If by ‘moving forward’ you mean getting out of this meeting as quickly as possible, then sure.

7. It looks like we’re going to need a bigger conference room. This one is starting to feel a bit cramped.

8. This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. *yawn*

9. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupts. Please continue. I’ll just sit here and look pretty.

10. Are you sure this is the right room for our meeting? I could have sworn I saw a “No Screaming” sign on the door.


So, if you’re ever feeling down and need a good laugh, or want to make someone’s day, pull out this list of funny things to say. You’ll be sure to get a reaction! Do you have a favorite funny thing to say that isn’t on our list? Share it with us in the comments below – we would love to hear it!